What’s for dinner, a plate of liver and a nice glass of Chianti?
Didn’t know you were into S & M Where’s you handcuffs?
The acerbic, taunting, hurtful comments just kept on coming, each one of them slicing into my heart like a knife through butter. And why was I being subjected to this vile abuse, you might ask? Just because we were supposed to be going on holiday with friends and they were threatening to leave me home alone while they jetted off to the sun… and the fact I’d just walked into the room looking like a deranged psychopath with my face concealed under Hannibal Lector’s mask?
Continue reading Silence of the Lambs
The day before I’d had a
cyst the size of an egg removed from up my back passage and was now lying in a
hospital bed recovering. I hadn’t been able to vacate my bowels properly for
weeks and, as a result, was lying in a bed full of… I’ll spare you the details…
so it probably wasn’t the ideal time to ask me if I would go out on a blind
Continue reading How Embarrassing
gets up one morning, takes a look at her bed, the sheets all scrunched up and
messy, the floor around it littered with all kinds of crap… and she is lauded as
being an artistic genius and makes a fortune out of it. Me, I get up in the
morning, look at my bed, the top sheet slightly creased from where I turned
over in the night, a tissue accidentally falls out of the pocket of my jimjams,
lands the floor… and the only reward I get is a b******ing from Mrs T for being
slovenly. Where’s the justice in that? Being rewarded for turning out crap.
Continue reading Life Isn’t Fair
The Fat Barmaid, a nickname coined
by one of my colleagues for our then director of quality and vindictive personal
vendettas for the educational institute in which I worked, was out to get me…
and a rehearsal for a forthcoming higher education inspection was the perfect
place to start.
Continue reading The Fat Barmaid
One afternoon I was just dozing off in my cuddle chair when this loud mouthed b*****d woke me up by yelling at the top of his voice “It’s Christmas” before banging on about me hanging up my stocking on the wall. He scared the shit out’f me.
Continue reading MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE
One day I went into the art staff room – the place where all the hippies gather to mull over their latest piece of indecipherable nonsense – where I was working and while I was waiting for a colleague who was on the telephone, I picked up a book and started flicking through the pages. Imagine my disgust when I came across what I thought was a “selfie” published without my permission, my horrified, contorted face grimacing in disgust at having come across a piece of modern art.
Continue reading PINEAPPLE AND EGGS
My mate, Ken, can be… I’m sorry, there’s no other way of putting it, a liability. On a whim he will suddenly disappear and not return unless accompanied by the police, an irate shopkeeper or some woman belting him around the head with her shoe. I’ve often wondered where Christian Louboutin got the idea for his red soled shoes from, well now I know, it was from some woman staining her shoe with Ken’s blood. Which is why, frankly, I’m worried.
Continue reading THE CAMERA CAVALIER